Help! My Kid Is X-Rated on MySpace

It's a shock, to say the least.

You're on your computer and you find a picture of your son, known as "DrunkBoy20109," vomiting into a toilet at a frat party. Or you recognize your daughter, wearing a bikini, calling herself "HotGurrl" and writing a public diary that reads like the memoirs of a porn star.

Doesn't he know that everyone on the planet can see that picture? Doesn't she realize she will attract dangerous strangers if she presents herself like that?

Meanwhile, the kids say, "Lighten up!"

Who's right?

Actually, both.

Parents are correct in their concerns about what their children post on the Internet. A study at the University of Massachusetts found that 25 percent of college admissions officers and 75 percent of employers search social networks and use search engines like Google, Yahoo and MSN to find out about applicants. Teens don't really get that. A recent survey by Junior Achievement found that 57 percent of teens believe (and naively so) that what they post on the Internet should never be used against them.

Parents also are correct that sexual predators troll the Internet for victims. There are over 2,500 reported incidents every year; and in July 2007, MySpace found that more than 29,000 sexual predators had profiles on its site.

Teens argue that since they are home alone without transportation, social networks are a great and safe way to stay connected with each other. The days when teens hung out at the local soda fountain are long gone.

Teens also correctly point out that MySpace, Facebook and other social networks are virtual galleries of self-expression that showcase amazing works of art, music, photography and writing. Many teen websites are intricate, beautiful and ideal. In addition, many kids exaggerate their lifestyles and play around with identities on social networks. "DrunkBoy20109" may never have tasted alcohol in his life and "HotGurrl" is a 12-year-old who has never been on date.

While one study from the Pew Institute indicates that one-third of teens report being victims of cyberbullying and another one-third report being approached by Internet strangers, the majority of these teens also said that the incidents were no big deal and they handled them easily.

So, what, if anything, should parents and teens do about social networks?

The first step may be for parents to simply go on MySpace or Facebook and sign up for a profile. It only takes a minute or two, and gives you a chance to look over the Web site for yourself and form your own opinion.

If you decide you don't want your child to use MySpace, Facebook and the like, you can buy software or change router settings in order to restrict access to these Web sites. Another tactic is to keep all computers password-protected and in an open space, instead of in your child's bedroom. This way, your child has to ask you to open the computer and you can monitor activities. Demanding that your child erase her profile is not enough - it is simple to create a new one using a new e-mail address that is readily available at no charge.

If you allow your child to use his computer for social networking, here are some tips that have worked for other parents:

1. Have the talk and set up some rules together. The old Emily Post axiom of "Don't write a letter that you don't want printed on the front page of your local newspaper" should apply to blogs. The new corollary to that rule is "Don't post a picture or YouTube video that you don't want your college admissions officers, teachers or employers to see."
2. Don't let your child become a cyberbully who posts terrible things about the high school nerd or anyone else. Cruelty is cruelty no matter what form it takes - teens have committed suicide after enduring constant, long-term cyberbullying.
3. Your child must follow the rules of the social network. New MySpace rules prohibit those under age 16 from registering. Don't let your child lie about her age. There are networks for tweens.
4. Your child's page must be set to private. No one whom your child does not know should have access to his profile. Anyone with access to the profile can paste your child's pictures and blog all over the Internet. If your child doesn't know a "friend of a friend," don't let that person have access to the profile.
5. Don't let your teen post any identifying information such as your last name, address or telephone number. A T-shirt with his school's name on it and a posting about a drama club presentation on a certain day are subtle identifiers that make it easy for predators to find your kid.
6. Ask to see your child's profile sometime, but you may have to give him a day or two to edit it. If your child keeps a blog, read it and write positive comments often.
7. Some psychologists worry that today's teens are spending too much time online and not enough time interacting with real people and developing social skills. Help your child select afterschool activities and keep online time to a minimum.