Is Your Child the Victim of a Bully?

By Jane St. Clair

Determine if the incident is really bullying.

The bully has to be bigger and more powerful than his or her victim and pose a threat physically or socially. The bully has to understand that the victim does not want him or her to keep taunting and threatening, and the bully has to have ignored the victim’s plea. The behavior cannot be a one-time event, but repeated over a period of time.

Make sure your child has clearly indicated he or she wants the behavior to stop. Sometimes that’s all it takes.

Don’t expect your child to handle the problem without adult intervention.

These are real conversation stoppers: “Bullying is a part of growing up.” “We all got teased.” “Don’t be such a wimp: stand up to him.” “Let’s get you some karate lessons.”

By definition, the bully is more powerful than your child is. Your child already feels isolated. If you frame the problem in these terms and minimize what’s happening, your child will feel more isolated than ever, and that no one, not even his parents, cares about his torment.

Get exact information before you approach other adults.

Ask your child to describe exactly what the behavior is. Take notes of dates and times, and get the full names of the others involved. Bullying behavior can take the form of racial or sexist names, or public humiliation. It may be an invitation to physically fight, with bystanders forming a circle around your son and his tormentor. The bully may grab pieces of the victim’s clothing or demand allowance and lunch money on a daily basis. With girls, bullying is often gossip and verbal taunting and exclusion from groups.

Don’t approach the bully’s parents unless you’re familiar with them.

Parents of bullies typically are not involved in their children’s lives. Many have severe emotional problems themselves that translate into domestic violence. Others will not set limits on their children’s behavior and will always take their child’s side in any conflict.

However, if you think the bully’s parents are reasonable people, arrange a face to face meeting with them. Talk about the problem in terms of behaviors, not name-calling. Agree to a plan of action that can be followed up on a regular basis: “Your boy needs to stay away from mine on the bus. I'll you every Friday for a month to make sure this happens.”

Talk to your child’s classroom teacher and/or counselor.

You may want to arrange a meeting between you, the counselor and/or teacher, and the bully’s parents where the adults can come up with a plan of action. You can keep the children out of the meeting, if you want. On the high school level, a counselor may be more effective than a teacher.

A teacher or counselor should not blame your child or use language like “He’s so shy” or “She has no friends.” They should not solve the problem by saying “Let the kids work it out themselves.” Often the bully will be popular at school and charming to everyone but his or her victims. If you get these kind of results at your meeting, move on to the school principal or school board until you get action.

Involve the police or a lawyer, if necessary.

Think in terms of what would happen if the bullying involved adults. If another adult tried to break your arm if you don’t give him or her money, that’s extortion, assault and battery. It would be a matter for the police. The same is true for your child. If your school authorities will not take action to protect your child when they are required by law to keep him or her safe at school and in his travel to and from school, you may have a lawsuit against that school.

Move your child to a new school only as a last resort.