When Anger Crosses the Line - Is Your Teen's Aggression Causing Problems in Your Family?

With respect to the great Benjamin Franklin, there are actually three certainties in the modern world. In addition to the founding father’s famous “death and taxes,” I think we can add the fact that, at some point in their lives, all teenagers will do things that confuse, befuddle, or outright terrify their parents.

The challenge for parents, then, is figuring out when to be bemused, when to be concerned, and when to be scared – a puzzle that can be exceptionally difficult to solve when it comes to teens with unhealthy levels of anger or aggression.

Thankfully, extreme examples of adolescent rage remain relatively few and far between. But as WebMD writer Rob Baedeker noted in his July 30, 2007 article on the topic, high-profile tragedies involving young perpetrators have alerted adults to the devastating consequences that can result from failing to properly address the mental health needs of a dangerously angry young person.

“Erratic teenage behavior is an age-old concern for parents. But in the wake of violent events such as Colorado's 1999 Columbine High School massacre and the [April 16, 2007] mass shooting at Virginia Tech – even though such incidents are extremely rare – many adults find themselves taking their kids' moods seriously,” Baedeker wrote.

“Are they wrestling with ‘normal’ teenage emotions or showing signs of a problem with depression or anger, perhaps even one that could spiral out of control?” he asked.

Differentiating between “normal” anger and dangerous behavior might sound like an exercise in splitting semantic hairs, but with a bit of education and a lot of observation it shouldn’t be all that difficult to tell the difference between the healthy expression of an unpleasant emotion and a sign of a serious problem.

Let’s face it: Daily life can be rife with potentially infuriating experiences. And though most of us have adopted skills and strategies that allow us to deal with stresses and other frustrations in ways that avoid causing damage to ourselves or those around us, we still experience anger – and (as paradoxical as this may sound), we should be happy that we do so.

Anger is a natural emotion that almost every sentient adult experiences from time to time. When healthy, well-adjusted individuals witness or learn about incidents of injustice, cruelty, or senseless violence (to name just a few), they are likely to become understandably angry. In the best cases, this anger is channeled into positive action.

But when anger leads to continued destruction, or when it prompts violence toward another or oneself, then a problem exists and help is required.

As Timothy Murphy, Ph.D., put it in his book, The Angry Child, “anger itself is not always the demon emotion others have made it out to be; children can and should be allowed to react angrily to injustices, just as adults do. But while it is not always inappropriate for a child to be angry, it is never appropriate for a child to be mean.”

The child who has a problem, Murphy wrote, is the one who “tends to react to everyday disappointments in a way that is inappropriate – and brings discomfort to those around her.”

The transition from childhood to the adult world is an angst-inducing time, and many teens find themselves confronted by a wide range of external and internal pressures. From school pressures to social fears to raging hormones, the teen years can be challenging – and conducive to more than a few expressions of anger.

As with adults, though, the problem with teen anger lies primarily in how this emotion is accepted and acted upon by the adolescent. Various experts have cited the following five behaviors as indicative of a teen with an anger-management problem:

• Violence – Displays of sudden, often violent, anger over small matters; also, engaging in frequent physical altercations with friends and family members.
• Cruelty – Cruel or sadistic behavior toward animals or other people is a serious sign that your child needs professional help.
• Property Damage – A tendency to damage property (punch walls, break items) when angry should prompt further investigation of your child’s ability to control her behavior and emotions.
• Threatening Statements – Angry statements (either spoken or written down) that promise violence or retribution should not be taken lightly. Initially, these statements may be little more than “cries for help” – but if you fail to act, they may be put into action.
• Silence – It may look like the opposite of anger, but a child who avoids friends and family members, or who drastically reduces his involvement with others, may be drifting into a dangerous isolation.

If your teen has exhibited anger or aggression that has caused you to worry about his safety or the well-being of others, you need to take action to get him the help he needs before any lasting damage is done.

The first step is to talk to your child about her behavior and attempt to discover the underlying issues that are prompting the unacceptable actions. For example, your child may be acting out because she is being bullied, or because she is struggling to overcome frustrations related to an undiagnosed learning disability, school phobia, or behavior disorder.

In most cases, effectively assessing your child’s behavior will require professional assistance. Contact your child’s school to learn more about what types of testing or other interventions are available, make an appointment to discuss this matter with your family physician, or contact a program that specializes in assessment of teen behavior, such as The Aspen Institute for Behavioral Assessment.

Depending upon the determinations and recommendations made by the professionals who assess your child, treatment may involve developing an individualized education plan, moving him into a special program within his school, or enrolling him in a therapeutic boarding school for teens with behavioral disorders.

Regardless of the decisions you make, realize that acknowledging your child’s problem doesn’t mean that either he or you has failed. Rather, facing these challenges now is evidence that you are committed to providing your teen and your family with the brightest possible future.