The Rise of the Permissive Parent

For most of western history, the predominant parenting style was the strict, demanding authoritarian. But since World War II, experts have observed a gradual shift toward a more permissive style of parenting. While neither the authoritarian nor the permissive parenting style is ideal, studies show that children of permissive parents are more likely to struggle in school and engage in risky behavior.  

About Parenting Styles

Parenting style is influenced by a number of factors. One parent may be permissive, while the other is authoritarian. Even more complex, the same individual can change styles over time or adopt one style with one child and another with someone else.

There are three basic parenting styles:

• Authoritarian – Strict parents who set clear standards of conduct, tell children what to do, and demand compliance with little explanation or warmth.
• Permissive – Parents who set few rules or boundaries, if any, and are warm and loving, no matter how their child behaves.
• Democratic/Authoritative – Parents who set clear, reasonable expectations for their children in a warm and loving manner, explain the rationale behind the rules, and reward desirable behavior with positive reinforcement.

Are You a Permissive Parent?

Permissive parents typically display some of the following behaviors:

• Exceedingly protective despite child’s changing developmental needs as they age
• Rescuing teens from the consequences of their actions
• Needing to be best friends with their teen rather than a source of guidance and security
• Being afraid to say “no” because their teen may be upset with them

Some examples of behaviors that point to permissive parenting include:

• Buying a young child Velcro shoes because they’re struggling to tie their shoes
• Working a legal connection so that a teen doesn’t have to be penalized for shoplifting, drunk driving or other reckless behaviors
• Writing a teenager’s English paper because they’re struggling in school
• Intervening unnecessarily in a conflict a teen is having with their friend

A common question parents ask is, “If I’m being kind, does that mean I’m a permissive parent?” Democratic parents are equally warm, compassionate and understanding as permissive parents. The difference is that they blend warmth with boundaries and consequences while at the same time offering explanations and soliciting ideas and feedback.

Most parents don’t set out to be permissive in raising their children. Often, parents either imitate the style their parents used, or they work so hard to parent differently from their parents that they bounce to the other extreme.

According to Brooke Judkins, PhD, LPC, and Jesse Quam, LCSW, two adolescent specialists at SUWS of the Carolinas wilderness therapy program, post-Boomers were typically raised with authoritarian parents, who were high on rules and discipline but low on warmth and understanding. In addition, post-Boomers face mounting social pressures to indulge their children with the hottest fashions and tech gadgets, as well as growing fears about safety from online predators and other emerging threats.

Children who are more sensitive, who struggle with transitions, or who have a learning disability or mental health issue may be even more likely to have permissive parents. Because their child is struggling to do well on their own, it’s easier for parents to justify their permissiveness.

With many parents working longer hours, spending less time at home and divorcing at higher rates, they sometimes feel guilty, which feeds their permissiveness. When parents feel like they’re letting their kids down, the guilt can manifest in buying more things, giving in and wanting to be their child’s friend, noted Judkins.
 
“Parents are working longer and longer hours to provide their teens with the material things they think they want,” said Quam. “Even though they beg for new material things, what teenagers truly want is more quality time with their parents.”