What is Tough Love International ®?
By Judy Shepps Battle
"We're glad to see you . . . We're sorry you had to come."
The above statement is the welcoming phrase of the TOUGHLOVE ® International program. Its simple message both reflects hope for the future and acknowledges the pain of trying to parent an out-of-control youngster.
Although TOUGHLOVE ® is firmly rooted in psychological principles, it does not conduct therapy sessions. Rather, groups are parent-run and offer support to members as they determine and apply individual boundaries and limits to their children.
"We are families helping families, not counselors. Our common experience is that we are in situations where kids are exhibiting unacceptable behavior, and we will no longer stand for it " said one program veteran.
History
TOUGHLOVE ® was founded in 1979 by Phyllis and David York, two family
therapists from Pennsylvania who were struggling to raise an out-of-control
teen daughter. They explored traditional strategies including individual
and family psychotherapy, changing schools, and trying to raise her self-esteem
through judo and riding lessons. In their words, they tried "getting
tougher, more permissive, more understanding" and nothing worked.
Despite expertise as mental health professionals, the Yorks – as parents – felt as frustrated, angry, helpless, and inadequate as their clients. And their daughter continued to get worse.
When she was arrested for armed robbery the couple was faced with the dilemma that while they loved their child unconditionally her behavior was unacceptable and could no longer be tolerated. They also knew they could not deal with this situation alone.
In desperation they took a "stand" that they would not tolerate a criminal in their house and created a series of "bottom lines" their daughter had to meet in order to return home. These included going through drug rehabilitation and getting a job. They used support group members to deal directly with her until she met the bottom lines.
Basically, the Yorks detached from the situation and allowed their child to determine the pace of her recovery. They concentrated on regaining their own emotional and physical health and prayed for the well-being of their child. Eventually, the family was reunited.
Out of this family's solution to a seemingly impossible situation emerged the principles and guidelines of TOUGHLOVE ®, a nonprofit international self-help program with more than 700 groups. Membership involves a one-time fee of $30.00 for materials and a $5.00 per week fee for each family that may be waived if a financial hardship.
How it Works
The program does not work instant miracles. Rather it offers strategies
and supports that break the cycle of parental helplessness often accompanying
a teen going out-of-control.
In the words of a fairly new program participant.
"Before coming to these meetings, I had forgotten that I was the adult and my son was the child. I would feel waves of fear when he came home and helpless anger when he didn't. It was when he put his face next to mine and called me a bitch that I knew we both needed immediate help. Fortunately, the school guidance counselor recommended TOUGHLOVE®. Although my son is still fighting our rules, I feel stronger and no longer get daily migraines and stomachaches."
TOUGHLOVE ® meetings are highly structured with parents sharing their "stand" (a long-range goal) and "bottom line" (action they will commit to enforcing that will facilitate achieving this "stand").
Each week, participants discuss how well they achieved last week's bottom line, set new weekly goals, and listen as other parents give feedback. Later in the meeting, discussions are held on parenting topics.
During the week, members are in contact with one another and offer encouragement and support.
"When I started this program, my ‘stand' was that my daughter had to go to school every day" said one father. "She was staying up all night and talking to her friends on the phone and sleeping through morning wake-up calls. So my first ‘bottom line' was that she had no phone privileges until she put together thirty days of consecutive on-time school days. That eventually meant removing all the phones in the house so that she could not make calls and turning off phone service to her room. I expected her to either run away or pound holes in the wall. She did neither. It took a few months to accomplish this ‘stand' but it did happen!"
Take a Closer Look
If you are the parent of an out-of-control teen, it is worth spending
some time at the TOUGHLOVE ® website located at http://www.toughlove.org.
Not only will you find the vision and mission of the organization but
also a "Parent's Bill of Rights" and the ten beliefs forming
the basis of the TOUGHLOVE ® program.
Most helpful is a Crisis Assessment form for parents of kids age 8 to 18. It asks hard questions about the effect of your child's behavior on the relationship between you and your spouse, your work life, and on your own emotions. It also lists extreme behavior your teen may have engaged in at home, school, and with the legal system.
It concludes with a critical question: "Are you satisfied with the way things are?"
If the answer is "no" then it is time to act. Whether you join TOUGHLOVE ® or another program, double your efforts using psychotherapy, or simply resolve to find an answer, this awareness will change family life as you know it.
And that is a good thing.
Copyright 2002 Judy Shepps Battle
Tough Love International is a trademark of Tough Love International
When are you enabling your child to act out, and how do you change the pattern?
"I thought if I just kept telling my son I loved him no matter what he did, he would develop self-esteem and get back on track. I never realized what he wanted was for me to set limits, to let him know while I would always love him, I still expected him to act appropriately or there would be consequences. I was basically let him think this is the wild wild west, and he was fast becoming the worst outlaw in the land." A father.
The trend of the past 20 or so years in the education system has been to "build self-esteem." While this may sound good in theory, researchers have discovered through examination and study of different population groups, that you can measure the highest self-esteem among a very specific group: men in prison. Does that seem to contradict all the popular knowledge about self-esteem? It certainly does. What does it mean? Does it mean self-esteem is a bad thing that leads to criminal behavior?
The truth is that self-esteem is extremely important to develop into a happy and healthy adult. However, self-esteem needs to be based on behavior and accomplishments. Self-esteem cannot exist in a vacuum, and those who become adults who believe they are "simply fantastic human beings" no matter HOW they act, are the ones who run into trouble.
This is not to say that a person must excel in something to develop self-esteem. It simply means that a person needs to get the connection between following through on a task, doing the best they can within a given context, taking responsibility for the consequences of behavior and the sense of self-esteem that comes from this way of acting in the world.
